It’s tough at the moment and I feel so lost. Plans constantly changing and no help actually being given.
As it’s #EatingDisordersAwarenessWeek I thought there’s no shame in sharing the letter I wrote for the team who are currently looking after me.
I know I’m not alone and many people are struggling with this too, so I thought I’d share it with you.
I hope that this gets the attention of ministers and NHS bosses to actually change this broken system.
I also hope that this may help others, in a similar situation, know that they’re not alone.
Dear Doctors
Dear Doctors,
I am sick and tired of everything. I’m sick of plans changing, promises being broken and help being impossible.
How loud and how often do you have to scream, shout and cry for help before it’s actually provided? The hardest step is speaking but it’s even harder when you’re constantly being ignored.
Quick fixes don’t work with this and it ends up costing the service more and increasing the ever growing pressure on the health service.
For 13 years I have had this shitty eating disorder and battled day in, day out, with my mind, my health and my own image of myself.
For years I have been in agony whenever I do try to eat, due to my body not being able to digest and get rid of whatever goes in. So what have I done for all that time?
I have made myself sick, taken hundreds of laxatives a month, suffered DKA’s and been on my death bed numerous times and battled with infection after infection. I do this daily but nobody knows because this has become part of my daily routine which I hide because when I have tried to get help, I’m ignored and then I feel embarrassed and ashamed.
I know I have caused excessive, long term damage to my body, not because I wanted to, but because it’s the only thing I know.
I look in the mirror and feel obese, ashamed, damaged and ugly. I watch my loved ones around me suffering because of what I do and the effects this has on them too.
I want to live but I can’t live. What’s the point when this is my life and has been for so long. The pain both mentally and physically is unbearable. #Anorexia is my enemy but is also my best friend.
I can’t look at food, hold food, cope with my weight and I can’t even have the supplements due to the fear of what may happen to me and the pain that is about to come.
This feeding tube isn’t something I like or want to become reliant upon, but it is a relief as it takes the pressure away from me and helps my other numerous medical conditions.
I feel lost, helpless and hopeless. All I want is help and for someone to listen. I don’t care how long it may take and I’m aware it’s a long road ahead but I am ready to face that long road. I know if I’m not helped, I will lose everyone I love, everything I am and like many people I know and who suffer with anorexia, this will kill me. This and the other effects it has on my ongoing medical conditions.
We shouldn’t have to take that hard first step, only to be ignored and passed around to people and services who just don’t care.
Please help me.
I’m tired and I don’t know how long this can go on for.
Help me learn to live and help make life feel worth living again.
Kind Regards
Joe Plumb